S3E13 – Deja Q

Q has actually, really, honestly, seriously this time, you guys, been kicked out of the Continuum. He’s mortal and has no powers and wants to be a member of the Enterprise and there’s the point of the title right there.

I really wish this episode had ended like 10 minutes in when Q asks “What must I do to convince you people?” and Worf very dryly and quickly says “Die.”

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S3E11 – The Hunted

James Cromwell has a mustache!

A prisoner escapes from a planet we’re visiting. He’s not a prisoner so much as a genetically modified super soldier engineered to fight wars for the bourgeoisie who then discard him and his kind on a planet to fend for themselves. You know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you enhance to be the Predator.

S3E9 – The Vengeance Factor

After finding a desiccated outpost, Picard must broker a truce between two waring factions. Riker has to kill a chick before he gets the chance to bang her. Worf gives a powerful tactical lesson, saying “Your ambush would be more successful if you’d bathed more often!”

S3E8 – The Price

Troi sleeps with some sleezy greaseball negotiator while the Enterprise plays host to the auction of a wormhole. Just to prove to me that they can write characters worse than they write Troi, someone thought it would be an awesome idea to include the Ferengi.

S3E7 – The Enemy

Geordi clearly needs to get off the holodeck, so Worf and Riker take him to a hostile planet where the radiation causes his visor to fail, he falls in a pit, and has to spend the entire episode working with a Romulan. No wonder the poor guy can’t get laid.

S3E5 – The Bonding

Worf leads an away team and a red shirt dies. She had a young son on the Enterprise, and Wesley feels bad, because his Dad died when he was young, and Worf feels superbad because both his parents died when he was young, and the inhabitants of the planet feel superduperWAYbad about it, and why in the Hell is Jeremy the most consoled kid on the Enterprise? Seriously. I refuse to get this worked up over the death of a character with less than 10 minutes screen time, introduced this episode.

S3E4 – Who Watches The Watchers

Some cultural anthropologists are studying a proto-vulcan civilization, and the Enterprise, FLAGSHIP OF THE FUCKING FEDERATION, is on a supply run to them. A. Supply. Run.

Their generator flakes out, Leland Palmer wanders in and hurts himself, and Beverly beams him up to fix him. She’s not a ruthless bitch like Pulaski, so when she tries to mindwipe him she capital-F Fails. He goes home and tells everyone the name of God is “The Picard.”

One of the anthropologists is like “Well, fuck it. They’ve seen us, they have our dude, and they think you are god, so just go be god!” and Picard is all “No! I will not impose a set of commandments on these people!” And, like, why not? They barely have tools. They are not at the level of humanity where you can convince them you are *not* God. I mean, he tries and the episode concludes with them buying it, but I promise you if you go back in like 100 years at least some of them will still think “Picard” is the true name of God.

The rest of the Mintakans think BOB is the true name of God and they celebrate the garmonbozia.

Also, with all the advanced technology, why do the anthropologists have to Gorillas In The Mist this shit? Why you gotta set up an outpost right there in the mountains when you literally could be in space looking at them with super hidden equipment that wouldn’t be as detectable as building a holodeck in a mountain? How did you build a holodeck in the mountain to begin with without anyone noticing? What the Hell was with that backward talking midget?